To you, to myself, to everyone, I admit, that I've been talking about the minutest, least expected things - just for the sake of talking - to just about everyone I see! I'm sorry if I've been bothering you by talking too much, or if I'm scaring you by being super-friendly all of a sudden.
If you don't see no difference, then, well,
praise be! :D
But let me explain.
I don't know which day it happened, but there I was, and there suddenly I felt this inexplicable sense of urgency, like an unexpected thunderstorm - no, more of that annoying rain that's half-there and half-not, but tickles you queasy all the same, and puddles in your head to leave you just as bewildered and frustrated as ever.
It suddenly occured to me, how, when I looked around the room, I saw
so many potential strangers. Then I just felt like walking around the room and patting everyone on the head. And well I did, and at that moment, I made my decision.
Everything only occurs to me when there's almost no time to rectify - I don't have much time, but here I am, trying to play a superhero and turning every friend into a confidant overnight. My slogan would be
I friend you! and I will be special because I choose to wear my underwear on the inside of my costume.
Joey said something during ytd's GM, and it's been floating around in my mind like a ghost or something, insubstantial but
very important when it appears. It was like this, to some extent,
"I have learnt from being a leader that, before you expect others to open up to you, to share their problems and vulnerabilities (so you can solve them together), you have to open up first, and make yourself vulnerable, first."
And it shook me quite badly, because I realised how true it was, and how terribly it ran against my prevalent and fundamental understanding of being strong. It was so simple, so obvious, but somehow I never got the message. Perhaps forever trying so hard not to cry, to show any sign of emotion or to be the one with the perpetual smile isn't the solution to being the pillar of strength - instead of turning to you because you're the only one not crying, people turn away because they think you don't understand.
I promise, I would cry with you if you wanted me to.
You may not believe me, and you may have always thought otherwise, but really, I treasure, remember and think about everything everyone says. I don't know, and possibly will never know, whether others said what they said in a moment of spite, of anger, of carelessness, of sloth or apathy, but I know that it mattered and matters to me. Blame it on my self-consciousness if you wish (Funny really, because I know I'm self-conscious, and so do people close to me, but all along I have tried to pretend I was/am not.)
I don't know if this counts as an emotional dilemna, or an angsty struggle to find who I really am, but I'm clear of my sincerity to make you a true friend. :)
I'm just really afraid that I will leave RGS as a stranger, and be forgotten the next day as the girl who barely spoke to you, and never ever made an impact in your life.
I don't know why I'm so afraid!
