Sometime ago I would have smoothly said deaf. But now I'm not sure. Something must have happened to me, because this year I've taken a sudden fanatic interest in music! The piano, the guitar, the voice, the body, I want to master everything! Once I'm in my room, something seems missing if the radio isn't on, or itunes isn't playing. It seems quiet, and empty!
I know I have spent many hours just sitting, with my eyes closed, and listening.
Have you watched a movie without sound? Everything's so different, and it loses its ability to move.
But I suppose I have taken it for granted that I can open my eyes and colour would appear in, literally, the blink of an eye, everyday. What wormy said the other day, "I have forgotten what it's like to open my eyes and see clearly" scared me quite a bit! I'm very lucky, in this way, I am.
What would you do if you woke up in the morning suddenly, and there was nothing? When you opened your eyes, or when you turned your head to detect the morning birdsong - nothing.
When you know what it's like to have something, you can't live without it. That's the principle, I suppose, which is why ignorance is so often bliss.
Oh how I respect the disabled - to be able to fight and function in this world without one fifth or more of themselves! I would just give up if I ever lost any of my senses! Can you imagine a world without colour, without music, without being able to walk on your own feet?
If I remember correctly, there seems like there was a time when I was sensitive to words, and paragraphs came so naturally it was like breathing - just through my fingers. But it's so long ago that even the memory has grown cobwebs and spiders - writing seems almost like a chore now!
But no, we should never think of anything as chores, because that's only when it becomes one, doesn't it. Like I always believe (but never practise), it all lies in your own mind!
On another note, I finally managed to watch Vacation! :D
You know, in films people so often had childhood friends that make wishes for them, that they were so close to they would give their life up for, that they hid no secrets from, that they grew up and became famous together with? I wish I had one! Or a best friend at the very least. I was never one to have a single confidant - it was always a bunch of very good friends but never a single one. I know the closest I got to having one single best friend was in Primary 6, but we sort of lost contact after that. Lack of common topics, I suppose, so even when we talk there seems to be something missing. :( Actually this may not be a bad thing at all! Not having one best friend, that is. At the most, I can always find a confidant in, say, a doll or teddy bear on my table. Yes!
I'm also bad at keeping in contact, I admit. I have to see you everyday to stay being close with you! It's practical, but leaves me disappointed sometimes.
From the same movie I realised that, dreams do come true sometimes, or a lot of times! I think, essentially, you must work very hard while you're still young, and you must know where you're working towards. :) But then again, your interest may not be your profession. Being interested doesn't feed hungry tummies!
But I don't know! I just know how lucky I am to be able to have a choice over my future, to be able to pursue any area of interest and dabble in so many things! Choice is a blessing, but a tiring blessing sometimes!
Saturday, December 02, 2006
12:29 AM
hmmm!
I've been thinking more than usual lately, but somehow my schedule's been so packed there's barely any time in between to catch a breath and pen down my thoughts. It's like rushing on the mrt - train after train after train, squeezing through crowd after crowd; all those webs and wisps of thoughts that we brush through and break as each of us plod on, on our own ways. The pounding beeping noise, the iridescent lights, and, all those faces!
It's the reflection that makes you learn so much about life. Everyone experiences or goes through the same thing, I believe, just through different avenues. Just as the same as I always believed that everyone has their own path in life, that was, in a way, paved for them since birth. Since we first wore disposable diapers - which makes us so different from the country kids who wear cloth nappies, or just tottered happily about without anything on.
But yes, about reflection! Thinking just puts everything into perspective. Although sometimes the more you think, the more you think you shouldn't think anymore, I ultimately agree that it's important to think. When everything passes you in a blur like this, you must catch every possible moment - riding on the bus, waiting for a call, being the passive observer in a conversation - to just think.
But don't overdo it! It's possible to zou2 huo3 ru4 mo2 with thinking :/ where you become oversensitive and paranoid and untrusting! Remember the philosophy that MAN IS INHERENTLY GOOD and you will be fine. :) Trusting makes you vulnerable, I admit, and perhaps the only reason I can say this so carelessly is because my trust has not been thoroughly betrayed as of yet. My turn will come one day, I bet, but until then (of after then I shall deal with later), I shall continue to believe that everyone is nice and dependable! :D That's the only way to live, in my sincerest opinion!
Sometimes I really wonder why we bother keeping up with current affairs, with the world, with what other people say. And then I realised, there are two levels to thinking. The above is the material, globalised world. Your spiritual life, however, is determined only by you and the people around you (or in some cases, above you too! :)). It's actually the people you interact with and meet face to face that really put you to thinking, that really dive into your heart and stir your deepest emotions. But in the end, it's a modern society! And both must go hand in hand. :)
Other times, I really wonder why I can't just accept, or be nicer, and more sensitive. But I believe everyone has to strike their own balance. It's like a point system, and everyone has only that many points to allocate to each aspect. Nobody is perfect, but that is the only thing that makes everyone special!
Ahhh and that's enough for tonight. Nobody can have the perfect life they want, but the best we can do is to make the fullest out of it! :) To bring happiness and acceptance to the people around you, and through that, to yourself.